Welcome to my blog, redneckhiro, the life and times of a Japanese redneck. This blog is a collection of FREE funny short stories written both in Japanese and English. Once or twice a week, I will post a new short story so I hope that you will come back to visit me regularly and check "funny" or 'interesting" or "cool" or leave comments. Coming soon are links to some more blogs I am starting like cooking and interesting stories growing up in post WWII Japan. Thank you for visiting and come back soon!
Wild onion is growing everywhere. I dig them. Eat roots. First, wash with water, cut off roots and four inches above the bulb. Then cook in boiling water about ten minutes. Get tender. Cool off with cold water. Eat them with mayonnaise or vinegar. I made miso dressing with miso paste, white vinegar, soy sauce and sugar. Mix ingredients and coat onions. Eat cold. (See below)
I had four growing kids. Some of my friends had pigs. I thought that one way to go to save money. I bought two pigs. About one week old. First they in little wood box. When they were too big for the box, I put in to fence. But not built good. They come out and wreck my yard. So, I dug a hole with my backhoe. Stick them in that. Good. They stay in. No way they can break. I bought small feeder but they eat 100 lbs. bag feed in three days. They get big and fat. One day we had heavy rain. Pig pen was full of water. I come home from work at midnight. They standing back feet. Stick nose out of the water. I start back hoe. Dig deeper hole and took water out. By the way, feed cost me $400. Meat was too fat. When eat, blood pressure sky high. Kids get mad. Not eat. We feed all of them to greyhound dogs I was raising. Pig cost more money than buy at Sam's.
I was sixteen years old. I own a wood boat. Heavy built boat. Maybe ten people get on it. Usually three or four of us go to fishing. End of summer, little octopus come in. We fish all day octopus. About three or four hundred of little octopus. Boat has leak water. Some of them swimming in the boat. Some of them cooked by the sun then dried octopus. We eat them while fishing. I take them home. Dry them. Next morning, roasted, to take to school. Sell them 3 for 10 cents. Three octopus is like a bunch of beef jerky. You can chew one octopus for fifteen minutes. Octopus has ink. Most classmates has black teeth. One day English teacher told us, "Don't chew gum in the class." But one boy told him, "But we need to show good manners." The teacher asked "Why?" The boy said, "It kill mouth odor." "Ok, if so, chew at break time. Not in class." "Yes sir." Everybody in the class was laughing. The teacher said, "Before you talk about manners, do you know what you look like your lips need to be cleaned." Whole class die laughing. We all had octopus ink dirty lips!
One day, I show my friends how to handle a snake. Terry and Max standing about 20 feet away. I put snake in my mouth. When I pinched the snake between my lips, little ground snake BIT MY LIP. I try to take off. Snake didn't come loose about a minute. Hang on my lip. Terry and Max were dying laughing. Wasn't much pain but just like a fishing hook. Not easy to come loose. Next time, I have to be more careful.
Walter enjoying the cheeseburger Redneck Hiro brought him.
Walter is my friend. We cut each other. He can't keep the money. Always broke. He ask me few dollars most every days. I don't let him have money because hard to pay me back. One day he ask me to get 2 cheeseburger. I bring back for him. But never pay me. Next day ask me same thing. I bring back. But this time I slip in a 40" snake in the cheeseburger box. One burger was wrapped in paper and other one was in a box. Walter ask me, "Hiro, why one in the box?" I told him, "I don't know. That all they had. Don't you want? I give to somebody else." "No, no. I am hungry. I eat them both." "By the way, you owe me $10.00. Pay me first." "Wait. I pay you" "Before eat, pay me." Walter cursed, "#$@& *%@# you! I pay!" "Ok. You don't want pay me, I take this." "No, I pay you" "Let me see you have money or not." "Hiro, I am hungry. Don't mess with me." Still not pay me. I knew if he find a snake in the box, forget about my $10.00. I let him eat. But me and Red Cap Brown watching from the windows outside break room. He start eating. We were watching with smile. About he finish halfway one burger, he open the box. Snake JUMP OUT toward him. He usually slow mover but he jump. Fall on the floor. Run to the door. This door need to pull to open but he keep pushing. Slipping feet. We die laughing. He run way from snake. He was mad. Knife in hand. While I pick up snake in my hand. He yelled, "You $&@ %%W! I cut you and snake same time!!!" But he was shaking. I told him, "Go ahead." He sat down shaking. "Ok Walter, go ahead. Eat. This is another one." "#^@!! NO! I am not hungry anymore!" "See Walter, you try to stiff me, you get back. Next time you pay me first."
When I was five years old, my family lived in Ormond Beach, Florida. My sister Sayoko was a year old and my sister Yuri had just been born. My elementary schoolyard was directly behind my backyard so it was a fairly easy walk back and forth to school. Since my mom had her hands full with Sayoko and Yuri, she couldn't come to the school and walk me home under an umbrella. On rainy days, my dear kindergarten teacher took pity on me and her ingenuity and kind act still makes my dad laugh at the memory. He said that he was home early (probably because it was raining and his workday was cut short) and saw one of the funniest things he'd ever seen. Coming toward the house through our backyard was a soggy, upside down, brown paper grocery bag with two little feet, a pair of eyes looking through a hole cut in the bag and little fingers holding the bag through the hole so it wouldn't get turned around. I wonder what the neighbors thought...
What is leaving half chewed fruit on the table and floor?
If you come home late one night and found big teeth mark on apples and bananas, might wonder, what the heck move in the house? We had birds, snake, mouse and snapping turtle live in the house before. But this teeth mark sharp and big bite. We thought wolf rat move in. Every night fruit basket apples missing. Some just big teeth mark. We put way all foods in container. I set rat trap but nothing happen. About three days go by. We put few apples in the basket. In midnight, possum must been hungry. Didn't eat three day. Soon we turn light off. Possum get on top the table. Start eating apples. Turn light on. But don't bother him eating. I open door. Kick him out. He don't want to go out. Like my pet. Come back in my living room. Finally left. I am glad not big rats. But we lived together 4 days.
A long time ago, there was a blue crab named Hiro. His dream was to go on land and see what it would be like there. So Hiro went off swimming through the water. After every mile he had to come up to see where he was. He had swam for twelve miles and still had twelve more miles to go. A few miles away, he saw a pier, where he saw a rock to rest on. While he was on that rock, he heard this yell crying, "Help! help! save me! save me! They're after me! They're after me!" Hiro looked on the pier. He saw a octopus running for his life. The octopus dived in saying, "Hide me please! the circus is after me!" Then, Hiro hid him under the rock. The ringmaster yelled, "WHERE IS MY OCTOPUS???" in a rage. He looked everywhere, but he could not find the octopus. The the ringmaster walked off angrily. The octopus hopped back on land, he turned around saying, "Thank you blue crab for not telling the ringmaster!" "Don't mention it." said Hiro. All of the sudden, Hiro hears a crow. The crow says, "Hello, what are you doing our here?" Hiro replies, "I want to see what it's like on land." Then crow says, "Believe me. You do not want to go out on land!" SPLASH! "Believe the crow." said a voice from the ocean. SPLASH! Hiro looked in the water to see where the voice came from. It was Royal Red Snapper. The Royal Red Snapper came up to Hiro and said, "You do not want to go on land. I was captured by the humans in a big net with a ton of other fish! I almost died! I flipped out of the net and got away! But I saw what they did to the other fish." Hiro asked, "What happened Royal Red Snapper?" "You don't want to know kid." Then, crow says, "It's true. I saw the whole thing myself, while I was flying over the boat! Lots of fish died that day." Hiro said, "Poor fish!" He looked over to the island, and decided, "My dream can wait another day!" Then Hiro hopped back into the ocean. He was grateful, God made him a crab to live in the ocean where he would be safe from humans.
Jared is the Grand Prize Winner of the Short Story Contest for the Grandkids held by Redneck Hiro. He is 12 years old and lives with his family in western Europe.
Redneck Hiro making good use of all available resources
Where we lived, far from the t.v. station. Only pick up three channels. For one of them, antenna had to be high and in right place. When I hold antenna up, picture clear. My oldest one, Midori-in third grade. She was tallest one of my kids. I told her, "Midori, hold antenna. Stand on the table. Pick up high. That's it! Ok. Hold on." Midori think only few minutes but only time I let her rest, in commercial. "Ok, you can rest." She asked me, "Daddy, how long do I have to hold this?" I answered her, "Sorry, little more. If I win, I pay you $5.00." Her eyes brighten up. Very seldom they get paid. She shut up and changed hand holding antenna. I said to daughter #2, "Ok Sayoko, change channel. I give you one dollar." Sayoko ask me, "Daddy, why Midori get five?" I said, "Midori's job hard. She get tired. You just change channel." When I come home after work, I take over tv. Both of them. Wife think too selfish but I told them, "When you own house, you do same. I won't take over channel." Saturday is cartoon day. Also college football day. I bet on so I like to watch. I teach my kids put socks on my feet. I have a good reason. I told my girls, "Do you know, I can put socks on myself. But you girls some day married. Do this for your husbands. Then I bet they never dump you. Not too many Amercian girls know how. You kids lucky. I teach you." My wife did for me but train kid at younger age, easier. They don't mind to that. They HATE I took all channels. They found out Saturday afternoon, stay home have to hold antennae and change channels. I lost antenna holder and channel changer. I move chair close to tv. stick antenna to bonsai pot. Juniper growing. No kids. I have to rearrange set up. I may be worthless dad and husband. I have reason. Whoever they find to marry, they should appreciate and have happy married life.
I do gamble. My friend told me, "Gambler's money has no home." It's about true. When Yuri was born, we lived in Florida. About that time, hospital charge $600 which is three weeks of my pay. My wife careful woman. She put away $600 in savings but I keep loosing at dog race. Spend savings. Little by little. Whenshe was in hospital, no saving in the book. From the hospital, she said to me, "I will be discharged tomorrow. Take money out of savings, pay hospital for me." I told her, "Ok, I will." but no money. It's payday. I took $200 to dog track. Try to get enough to pay hospital bill but not luck. Keep loosing my rear end. About three race left. I only had $4.00 which is $800 short. We don't have friend to borrow $600. Also no credit for bank. I thinking excuses. But spend money for dog race was no excuse. But something happened. $4.00 made $40. I bet $40. Turn back to me $1640! I collect money, pay hospital, gave my wife $299. Surprised her. She asked me "What happened?" I said, "Congratulations. You had a new baby." She said, "Wow!" She took money and three kids to shopping. Buy kids' shoes. Midori had hole in bottom of shoes. My wife bought herself some stuff. Midori said, "Thank you daddy!" for her shoes. She hugged my neck and kissed my cheek. I felt like the man of the house. If I came home empty pocket, I bet my wife never forgive me. I never tell her. She is worry person. But I tell you. Gambling to pay hospital bill not good idea. Almost never happen. Money is funny. More you want, faster run way from you. I learn from experience.
I was in college doing part time work at a nursery. My job was shovel dirt all day long. Night time, I work for tv studio doing landscaping for a tv series. Anything they request at job. Sometime, create forest or white beach. One day, I making farmer's front yard in fall. I pile up bunch of straw 6 foot high. Chickens in cage, dried radishes on pole. Spread persimmon leaves on ground. Look like fall. Started film, I don't do nothing. I getting sleepy. I go under the straw. Take nap. Then start their big problem. I snore so loud when I sleep. But after sleep, how I know? I must deep sleep. Start filming again around straw. They heard loud noise. Director told assistant, "What's that?" They looking for where noise come from. Nobody can't find it in big studio. They started film again. Here come the noise. Director said. "Cut! Cut! must come from speaker." Cut all power off to see where noise come from. Noise stop. "See? speakers. OK we were behind. Go start film." Here come noise. "Cut. Cut. Let's early break." People hungry. eat now. About that time, I wake up. Hay on the head. Everybody pointed me. Die laughing. They said, "It's YOU!. We look all over the place. Nobody think in the hay>" Producer was nice guy. He asked me, "How old are you?" I answered him, "21 years old." He said, "We look all over. Can't find you. But no matter what. Sleep middle of studio and snore like that. I give you credit. You do anything future, you will be a success. If you can't find a job, come see me. For few days, workers see me. Smiling. I could kick out of the studio I thought. They told our company about me sleeping and snoring on the job but I didn't lose job. Keep working.
I was working in plant maintenance at Charlotte Airport. Two roof repairman came to hangar help fixing top of the roof. Only way to get there was on the cherry picker. Before I came to work, everybody refuse to drive cherry picker. It went about 80 feet high. Roofer joking, "you guys, work on airplane. fly all the time. we don't believe you scared." "It's only roof high." they said. My Lead Man told them, "those guys afraid heights but wait awhile. One guy not afraid come in." About that time, I come in and he asked me, "Hiro, you help them to use cherry picker to take to tip of the hangar?" I told him, "Yeah. I do for them. Right now. When you ready." I took them in cherry picker. It was cold weather and it was not moving smooth. When start, it jerked and jumped. It go up 80 feet in air. Scary. I told them, 'Let me practice. You guys stay on ground." Still not moving smooth. About 10 minutes I practice up and down. Still jerk and jump. Two roofers talked to Max on the ground. I came down and said, "Ok, Let's go." Roofer said, "Did you operate this cherry picker before?" I answered, "No. First time. But smaller one I did." The roofer said, "that guy told me you wreck every vehicle you own. Is that true?" "Who told you?" I asked. "That guy" they pointed at Max. I said, "Oh Max. Don't believe what he said. He is a chicken. I may wreck some of them." The roofer said, "you know...if you not sure. why not let someone else to drive?" I told him, "This machine cold. warm up and should be ok." "We don't want you to wreck." I told them, "That ok. That is not your problem" I asked them, "Do you have life insurance?" They told me, "No we don't." I said, "the airline has special accidental death. pay good." They said, "No, we don't want to die." "I'm joking" I told them. Soon hit the top. They were in no shape to work. the young guy was shaking. Every time I moved the cherry picker, he cuss, "$@!&!" They want me to go back on the ground. When they hit the ground, Max ask them, "How's the trip?" They don't say a word. They left the job and never came back.
Yuri must be thrown to the sharks. Sayoko begs dad to spare Yuri's life.
Sayoko and Yuri only sixteen months apart. My wife make dress same pattern. Same color. People think they were twins. Sayoko don't like that. Always pick on Yuri. Make her cry. One day when they were three and four years old, I ask Sayoko, "Why can't you two get along?" She don't say nothing. "I know you don't like Yuri. Ok. We give Yuri for adoption. What you think?" She still don't answer. We lived on beach that time. I told her, "Quickest way get rid of Yuri is dump her in ocean. Feed for shark." She don't answer. I put Yuri in sheet. Carry on my back. Start walk on the pier. Then, Sayoko scream, say, "NO, NO! DADDY! DON'T! DON'T DADDY!!!" I told her, "You don't need her." She cry, scream. Hang onto the sheet. I dragged her to end of pier while she kept screaming. I asked her, "Do you want her?" She move head up and down. Mean "yes". So I forgive her and let Yuri out of the sheet. I told her to hug her sister and never fight again. Last only few days.
Sayoko is so happy that Yuri did not get fed to the sharks.
Sayoko's diaper keeps slipping to the floor when she stands up
I may be a worthless person to babysit. I don't worry about anything. Go on climb up high place. I let them do. They should learn some time. Fall off and get hurt, may not try again. Of course, the first time I babysit my kids, I never watch anybody's kids before. I never changed diaper. I thought Midori can. But she can't. What expect 5 years old kid? She tried hard but she never changed diaper before either. Since we couldn't keep a diaper on her, she ran around bare butt and when she made a mess, I hosed her down in the laundry room. Water must have been a little cold because Sayoko hopped up and down every time the water spray hit her. Sayoko ate in the laundry room and when she went to sleep, I put a trashbag under her in the crib. It was the longest two days I ever felt. First time I appreciate my wife.
One summer at midnight, I was coming home from work on NC Hwy. 67. I am usually not pay attention on the road. My speed may be 65 mph. Look like a big rock-middle of the road. I step on brake. Then back up about 100 feet. That big rock was a turtle-a snapping turtle. You usually don't find them on highway. I pick up slow and put it in truck bed and come home. I throw him in freezer then get in bed. After awhile, turtle push door open and came out from freezer. It was after midnight and very quiet. My wife woke up by big sound of turtle hit wood floor. She went into the kitchen and started screaming. All the kids wake up then wake me up. I pick up its tail and throw him in trash bag then put him back in freezer. Next morning while turtle was half asleep, I clean up and cook. No one wanted to taste Japanese Redneck Turtle Stew in my family. I eat three bowls. Rest take to work. Everybody love it. About forty people try it. 25 minutes, all gone. They like to have again. Do you know they not eat octopus or squid? but ok to eat turtle. My kids eat octopus and squid. I don't care. I like them all. I use turtle shell to make nice hanging basket. It was beautiful all year round.
Yuri, redneckhiro daughter #3 chasing her two older sisters with a snake.
During the years my kids were growing up, I had a unwritten, unspoken rule of "GET-UP-AND-GO". This meant anytime I yelled for help, my kids had better hustle (hustle to start work and hustle while working). My youngest daughter, Yuri, wasn't much of a hustler so she broke my rule a lot. It made her older sisters Midori and Sayoko so mad that they would threaten to beat her up or just go ahead and beat her up. One day, Yuri took a six foot black snake that one of my workers was playing with because she's not afraid of snakes and chased her sisters with it. She had fun and she was laughing. The only thing that saved her life was that her sisters could outrun her (they had more "GET-UP-AND-GO"). I kept the snake in the cab of my truck. Yuri tried a second time to get it and chase her sisters but this time she pulled the snake's tail and it reached around and bit her. Midori and Sayoko laughed at her. Sayoko teased her and told her she was going to die. My wife said we should take her to the hospital but I said no. We just put some baking soda (my redneck cure for most anything) on the snake bite and she was fine in a day or so.
A Japanese Redneck Enjoying His Japanese Redneck Steam Bath
My greenhouse wood stove is huge. 3' X 3' X 4' deep. It can burn big logs but such a waste to just heat greenhouse. This stove too big for house. I put in to greenhouse then I thought add fire bricks on top of the stove and build a wood box around to make a sauna steam bath. Then I get in, but my head stuck out of the box in case of some emergency I can get out. Got hot quick then I drip water on top of the brick to create steam. That work fine. I enjoy steam bath. I split wood after take redneck steam bath. Only one in south. Maybe only one in the world.
It was cold December night-about week before Christmas in 1985. December is a bad month for a poor redneck. I had four kids waiting for presents but no money, no outside work. I told my landscaping customer, I cook for party. Mr. Steele is my landscaping customer. He gave me a catering job cooking for a Christmas party. I drove my Ford pickup truck with daughter #2, Sayoko and daughter #3, Yuri. Sayoko was a freshman at Appalachian State University and Yuri was a senior at Starmount High School. They not so happy because they work for free. Just when I start cooking, I had something happen to my back. I fall down to stone tile outside the house. Try to get rid of pain but pain wasn't going anywhere. So I lay down on stone tile 15 minutes. Mrs. Steele worry about me and told me I don't need to cook but I need the money for my son's bike for Christmas and I already buy food to cook. So I rolled on my side and start cooking. I cannot see inside the wok. I ask Sayoko, "Is it done?" She gave me spoonful of whatever was cooking and I taste it, then we serve. I clean fish and made sashimi too (lying down). I may took twenty extra minutes to cook everything but done. When finish, lot of people come outside and clap their hands for me. Make me feel good. Freezing cold night but I was work hard. Did not feel cold. I lay down back of the truck come home down the highway freezing with thin blanket on.
Jeff Foxworthy said something like, "If you have appliances on your porch, you might be a redneck" These pictures were taken behind redneckhiro's house and even though there is no porch, I think this probably still counts.
I hate driving. One time I was working second shift at the Charlotte airport. We had a carpool...Somebody to drive for you. Sound like a good deal for me because I hate driving...but not so. Max worked in the same department and we were good friends, but I hate his driving. Too %@$&# SLOW!!! Sometime I like to step on gas for him. He was so proud because he never got a ticket in his lifetime. WHO CARES??? Make me mad. When he drive, I rather drive myself. During break time, we play cards (which is cheap gambling). Someone think I take all young people's money. Not that good. When I cook, I take food to friend. They like that. Spaghetti for maybe 25 people to eat. Noodle and sauce. From house to freeway, only 8 miles. Before get to freeway, I must fall sleep. Turn over truck. I got covered with hot spaghetti sauce and noodles. First people who saw me thought I was hurt-blood running from head. Just spaghetti sauce...who'd thought anybody would fake blood with spaghetti sauce? Truthfully, I hate clean truck. Take smell off. Spaghetti sauce smell long time.
I was working at L & M Nursery in 1967. My job was landscaping. That is what I went to Tokyo Agricultural University to do. One day we were working in the yards of some model houses in a development. The construction company we dealt with built 3,000 houses a month. We landscaped the front yard of every house they sold. We installed plants and seeded yards. For about six to ten houses that were the model houses, we used better materials (like sod instead of seeds). Back at the nursery, I loaded many nice plants, bushes and trees on a two ton open bed truck and trailer and packed them full. Starting out, I drove very carefully because I was hauling nice plants but when I got on the Santa Ana freeway, I had to go fast. I had to take two more freeways to get to my destination. If you go too slow on the freeway, Californians hate it and open their windows and give you a special greeting with their hand that looks kind of like a phoenix. So I tried to keep up with the speed everybody else was driving which was about 70 mph. George Ishii, my foreman was waiting for me at the job site. We landscaped a lot together. When I got there, George stood at the side of the truck looking at the plants and shaking his head. He yelled, "NOT A *&%#@! *&%! LEAF LEFT ON THESE PLANTS! HOW FAST DID YOU DRIVE?" I answered him, "Slower than usual." "HOW FAST DID YOU DRIVE??" He bellowed. "About 70 mph" George thundered, "THOSE GREENHOUSE GROWN PLANTS ARE TENDER!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE COVERED THEM UP!!!" WE HAVE A DEADLINE OF TOMORROW AND WE'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT!!! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK ALL NIGHT TO GET THIS JOB DONE!" I told him, "I don't care." But I did care. I was one of their best landscapers and my crew always got the most work done in less time than anybody else. I grumbled, "%#$&*!" George ordered the same plants again. They finally got there about 4:30 in the afternoon. We worked late into the night planting all those trees and shrubs. I guess it was just one of those lessons of youth I had to learn the hard way...
Back in 1967, I was fishing with my three year old daughter and caught a 26 pound Yellow Fin Tuna (which is a special Japanese delicacy served raw called sashimi). I didn't have a cooler to keep the fish fresh so I did the only thing anybody with any kind of common sense (that might have anything to do with preserving the freshness of raw fish) would do. I drove my company truck, a Chevrolet El Camino 92 miles an hour through several 35 mph zones. As I came into the town of Anaheim, I saw a quarter mile in front of me four police cars blocking the road. I didn't know that they were waiting for me. They thought I robbed a bank and that's why I must have been driving so fast. They got reports from other police departments who got slowed down at stoplights and never caught up to me. When I stopped the truck, all the of the police officers came to my truckand one of them asked to see my drivers license. (I still didn't know I had done anything wrong) They asked me why I was driving so fast and I told them, "I don't want the fish to spoil!" One police officer talked to my daughter who was sitting happy in the front passenger seat and decided to give me a ticket and scold me telling me I should be ashamed for driving so fast with my little girl in the truck with me.Maybe I should have been ashamed but my little girl loved sashimi too!
I have 60 years experience as a redneck. I am 70 years old but I figure my life as a redneck started somewhere around the age of 10. I am Japanese-from Northern Kyushu Island. I've lived in the United States for over 43 years. I have three daughters, one son, two stepdaughters and one stepson. Being a redneck isn't something you go out and try to be, you just naturally are one. Being a redneck is not restricted to the south either. It's an international thing. I think after you read my stories, you will agree...
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