Welcome to my blog, redneckhiro, the life and times of a Japanese redneck. This blog is a collection of FREE funny short stories written both in Japanese and English. Once or twice a week, I will post a new short story so I hope that you will come back to visit me regularly and check "funny" or 'interesting" or "cool" or leave comments. Coming soon are links to some more blogs I am starting like cooking and interesting stories growing up in post WWII Japan. Thank you for visiting and come back soon!

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A Japanese Redneck House

A Japanese Redneck House
Illustrated by Redneck Hiro

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Redneck Hiro's Home Entertainment Theater System

Redneck Hiro making good use of all available resources

Where we lived, far from the t.v. station. Only pick up three channels. For one of them, antenna had to be high and in right place. When I hold antenna up, picture clear. My oldest one, Midori-in third grade. She was tallest one of my kids. I told her, "Midori, hold antenna. Stand on the table. Pick up high. That's it! Ok. Hold on." Midori think only few minutes but only time I let her rest, in commercial. "Ok, you can rest." She asked me, "Daddy, how long do I have to hold this?" I answered her, "Sorry, little more. If I win, I pay you $5.00." Her eyes brighten up. Very seldom they get paid. She shut up and changed hand holding antenna. I said to daughter #2, "Ok Sayoko, change channel. I give you one dollar." Sayoko ask me, "Daddy, why Midori get five?" I said, "Midori's job hard. She get tired. You just change channel." When I come home after work, I take over tv. Both of them. Wife think too selfish but I told them, "When you own house, you do same. I won't take over channel." Saturday is cartoon day. Also college football day. I bet on so I like to watch. I teach my kids put socks on my feet. I have a good reason. I told my girls, "Do you know, I can put socks on myself. But you girls some day married. Do this for your husbands. Then I bet they never dump you. Not too many Amercian girls know how. You kids lucky. I teach you." My wife did for me but train kid at younger age, easier. They don't mind to that. They HATE I took all channels. They found out Saturday afternoon, stay home have to hold antennae and change channels. I lost antenna holder and channel changer. I move chair close to tv. stick antenna to bonsai pot. Juniper growing. No kids. I have to rearrange set up. I may be worthless dad and husband. I have reason. Whoever they find to marry, they should appreciate and have happy married life.

AHHH! Peace and Quiet and No Kids! 

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Redneck Hiro Pays Off Hospital Bill With Dog Race Winnings

At the Dog Track
I do gamble. My friend told me, "Gambler's money has no home." It's about true. When Yuri was born, we lived in Florida. About that time, hospital charge $600 which is three weeks of my pay. My wife careful woman. She put away $600 in savings but I keep loosing at dog race. Spend savings. Little by little. Whenshe was in hospital, no saving in the book. From the hospital, she said to me, "I will be discharged tomorrow. Take money out of savings, pay hospital for me." I told her, "Ok, I will." but no money. It's payday. I took $200 to dog track. Try to get enough to pay hospital bill but not luck. Keep loosing my rear end. About three race left. I only had $4.00 which is $800 short. We don't have friend to borrow $600. Also no credit for bank. I thinking excuses. But spend money for dog race was no excuse. But something happened. $4.00 made $40. I bet $40. Turn back to me $1640! I collect money, pay hospital, gave my wife $299. Surprised her. She asked me "What happened?" I said, "Congratulations. You had a new baby." She said, "Wow!" She took money and three kids to shopping. Buy kids' shoes. Midori had hole in bottom of shoes. My wife bought herself some stuff. Midori said, "Thank you daddy!" for her shoes. She hugged my neck and kissed my cheek. I felt like the man of the house. If I came home empty pocket, I bet my wife never forgive me. I never tell her. She is worry person. But I tell you. Gambling to pay hospital bill not good idea. Almost never happen. Money is funny. More you want, faster run way from you. I learn from experience.

Midori thanks me for her new shoes.

Redneck Hiro Falls Asleep On The Job

Where is that awful noise coming from?
I was in college doing part time work at a nursery. My job was shovel dirt all day long. Night time, I work for tv studio doing landscaping for a tv series. Anything they request at job. Sometime, create forest or white beach. One day, I making farmer's front yard in fall. I pile up bunch of straw 6 foot high. Chickens in cage, dried radishes on pole. Spread persimmon leaves on ground. Look like fall. Started film, I don't do nothing. I getting sleepy. I go under the straw. Take nap. Then start their big problem. I snore so loud when I sleep. But after sleep, how I know? I must deep sleep. Start filming again around straw. They heard loud noise. Director told assistant, "What's that?" They looking for where noise come from. Nobody can't find it in big studio. They started film again. Here come the noise. Director said. "Cut! Cut! must come from speaker." Cut all power off to see where noise come from. Noise stop. "See? speakers. OK we were behind. Go start film." Here come noise. "Cut. Cut. Let's early break." People hungry. eat now. About that time, I wake up. Hay on the head. Everybody pointed me. Die laughing. They said, "It's YOU!. We look all over the place. Nobody think in the hay>" Producer was nice guy. He asked me, "How old are you?" I answered him, "21 years old." He said, "We look all over. Can't find you. But no matter what. Sleep middle of studio and snore like that. I give you credit. You do anything future, you will be a success. If you can't find a job, come see me. For few days, workers see me. Smiling. I could kick out of the studio I thought. They told our company about me sleeping and snoring on the job but I didn't lose job. Keep working.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Japanese Redneck and the Cherry Picker

redneckhiro operating the cherry picker

I was working in plant maintenance at Charlotte Airport. Two roof repairman came to hangar help fixing top of the roof. Only way to get there was on the cherry picker. Before I came to work, everybody refuse to drive cherry picker. It went about 80 feet high. Roofer joking, "you guys, work on airplane. fly all the time. we don't believe you scared." "It's only roof high." they said. My Lead Man told them, "those guys afraid heights but wait awhile. One guy not afraid come in." About that time, I come in and he asked me, "Hiro, you help them to use cherry picker to take to tip of the hangar?" I told him, "Yeah. I do for them. Right now. When you ready." I took them in cherry picker. It was cold weather and it was not moving smooth. When start, it jerked and jumped. It go up 80 feet in air. Scary. I told them, 'Let me practice. You guys stay on ground." Still not moving smooth. About 10 minutes I practice up and down. Still jerk and jump. Two roofers talked to Max on the ground. I came down and said, "Ok, Let's go." Roofer said, "Did you operate this cherry picker before?" I answered, "No. First time. But smaller one I did." The roofer said, "that guy told me you wreck every vehicle you own. Is that true?" "Who told you?" I asked. "That guy" they pointed at Max. I said, "Oh Max. Don't believe what he said. He is a chicken. I may wreck some of them." The roofer said, "you know...if you not sure. why not let someone else to drive?" I told him, "This machine cold. warm up and should be ok." "We don't want you to wreck." I told them, "That ok. That is not your problem" I asked them, "Do you have life insurance?" They told me, "No we don't." I said, "the airline has special accidental death. pay good." They said, "No, we don't want to die." "I'm joking" I told them. Soon hit the top. They were in no shape to work. the young guy was shaking. Every time I moved the cherry picker, he cuss, "$@!&!" They want me to go back on the ground. When they hit the ground, Max ask them, "How's the trip?" They don't say a word. They left the job and never came back.

Workers Walk Away Shaken  Never to Return

Saturday, February 13, 2010

A Japanese Redneck's Notion of "Child Care" Part 2 - Feeding Yuri To The Sharks

Yuri must be thrown to the sharks. Sayoko begs dad to spare Yuri's life.
Sayoko and Yuri only sixteen months apart. My wife make dress same pattern. Same color. People think they were twins. Sayoko don't like that. Always pick on Yuri. Make her cry. One day when they were three and four years old, I ask Sayoko, "Why can't you two get along?" She don't say nothing. "I know you don't like Yuri. Ok. We give Yuri for adoption. What you think?" She still don't answer. We lived on beach that time. I told her, "Quickest way get rid of Yuri is dump her in ocean. Feed for shark." She don't answer. I put Yuri in sheet. Carry on my back. Start walk on the pier. Then, Sayoko scream, say, "NO, NO! DADDY! DON'T! DON'T DADDY!!!" I told her, "You don't need her." She cry, scream. Hang onto the sheet. I dragged her to end of pier while she kept screaming. I asked her, "Do you want her?" She move head up and down. Mean "yes". So I forgive her and let Yuri out of the sheet. I told her to hug her sister and never fight again. Last only few days.

 Sayoko is so happy that Yuri did not get fed to the sharks.

Friday, February 12, 2010

A Japanese Redneck's Notion of "Child Care"

Sayoko's diaper keeps slipping to the floor when she stands up

I may be a worthless person to babysit. I don't worry about anything. Go on climb up high place. I let them do. They should learn some time. Fall off and get hurt, may not try again. Of course, the first time I babysit my kids, I never watch anybody's kids before. I never changed diaper. I thought Midori can. But she can't. What expect 5 years old kid? She tried hard but she never changed diaper before either. Since we couldn't keep a diaper on her, she ran around bare butt and when she made a mess, I hosed her down in the laundry room. Water must have been a little cold because Sayoko hopped up and down every time the water spray hit her. Sayoko ate in the laundry room and when she went to sleep, I put a trashbag under her in the crib. It was the longest two days I ever felt. First time I appreciate my wife.
A Japanese Redneck's "Diaper Wipes"

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Japanese Redneck Turtle Stew

One summer at midnight, I was coming home from work on NC Hwy. 67. I am usually not pay attention on the road. My speed may be 65 mph. Look like a big rock-middle of the road. I step on brake. Then back up about 100 feet. That big rock was a turtle-a snapping turtle. You usually don't find them on highway. I pick up slow and put it in truck bed and come home. I throw him in freezer then get in bed. After awhile, turtle push door open and came out from freezer. It was after midnight and very quiet. My wife woke up by big sound of turtle hit wood floor. She went into the kitchen and started screaming. All the kids wake up then wake me up. I pick up its tail and throw him in trash bag then put him back in freezer. Next morning while turtle was half asleep, I clean up and cook. No one wanted to taste Japanese Redneck Turtle Stew in my family. I eat three bowls. Rest take to work. Everybody love it. About forty people try it. 25 minutes, all gone. They like to have again. Do you know they not eat octopus or squid? but ok to eat turtle. My kids eat octopus and squid. I don't care. I like them all. I use turtle shell to make nice hanging basket. It was beautiful all year round.

Japanese Redneck GET-UP-AND-GO

Yuri, redneckhiro daughter #3 chasing her two older sisters with a snake.

During the years my kids were growing up, I had a unwritten, unspoken rule of "GET-UP-AND-GO". This meant anytime I yelled for help, my kids had better hustle (hustle to start work and hustle while working). My youngest daughter, Yuri, wasn't much of a hustler so she broke my rule a lot. It made her older sisters Midori and Sayoko so mad that they would threaten to beat her up or just go ahead and beat her up. One day, Yuri took a six foot black snake that one of my workers was playing with because she's not afraid of snakes and chased her sisters with it. She had fun and she was laughing. The only thing that saved her life was that her sisters could outrun her (they had more "GET-UP-AND-GO"). I kept the snake in the cab of my truck. Yuri tried a second time to get it and chase her sisters but this time she pulled the snake's tail and it reached around and bit her. Midori and Sayoko laughed at her. Sayoko teased her and told her she was going to die. My wife said we should take her to the hospital but I said no. We just put some baking soda (my redneck cure for most anything) on the snake bite and she was fine in a day or so.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Japanese Redneck Steam Bath

 A Japanese Redneck Enjoying His Japanese Redneck Steam Bath
My greenhouse wood stove is huge. 3' X 3' X 4' deep. It can burn big logs but such a waste to just heat greenhouse. This stove too big for house. I put in to greenhouse then I thought add fire bricks on top of the stove and build a wood box around to make a sauna steam bath. Then I get in, but my head stuck out of the box in case of some emergency I can get out. Got hot quick then I drip water on top of the brick to create steam. That work fine. I enjoy steam bath. I split wood after take redneck steam bath. Only one in south. Maybe only one in the world.

More Japanese Redneck evidence...

Guest Blogger: redneckhiro's daughter #1
If you 'babysit' your two year old granddaughter while you dig a hole with the backhoe,
you MIGHT be a redneck.

If you start your kids (or grandkids) working by the tender young age of 2,


you MIGHT be a redneck.

If you convince your two year old granddaughter that a backhoe is the most best toy EVER,

a redneck!!!

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Japanese Redneck Caterer

redneckhiro cooking while lying down

It was cold December night-about week before Christmas in 1985. December is a bad month for a poor redneck. I had four kids waiting for presents but no money, no outside work. I told my landscaping customer, I cook for party. Mr. Steele is my landscaping customer. He gave me a catering job cooking for a Christmas party. I drove my Ford pickup truck with daughter #2, Sayoko and daughter #3, Yuri. Sayoko was a freshman at Appalachian State University and Yuri was a senior at Starmount High School. They not so happy because they work for free. Just when I start cooking, I had something happen to my back. I fall down to stone tile outside the house. Try to get rid of pain but pain wasn't going anywhere. So I lay down on stone tile 15 minutes. Mrs. Steele worry about me and told me I don't need to cook but I need the money for my son's bike for Christmas and I already buy food to cook. So I rolled on my side and start cooking. I cannot see inside the wok. I ask Sayoko, "Is it done?" She gave me spoonful of whatever was cooking and I taste it, then we serve. I clean fish and made sashimi too (lying down). I may took twenty extra minutes to cook everything but done. When finish, lot of people come outside and clap their hands for me. Make me feel good. Freezing cold night but I was work hard. Did not feel cold. I lay down back of the truck come home down the highway freezing with thin blanket on.