Welcome to my blog, redneckhiro, the life and times of a Japanese redneck. This blog is a collection of FREE funny short stories written both in Japanese and English. Once or twice a week, I will post a new short story so I hope that you will come back to visit me regularly and check "funny" or 'interesting" or "cool" or leave comments. Coming soon are links to some more blogs I am starting like cooking and interesting stories growing up in post WWII Japan. Thank you for visiting and come back soon!

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A Japanese Redneck House

A Japanese Redneck House
Illustrated by Redneck Hiro

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Redneck Hiro and the Snake Handling Demonstration

One day, I show my friends how to handle a snake. Terry and Max standing about 20 feet away. I put snake in my mouth. When I pinched the snake between my lips, little ground snake BIT MY LIP. I try to take off. Snake didn't come loose about a minute. Hang on my lip. Terry and Max were dying laughing. Wasn't much pain but just like a fishing hook. Not easy to come loose. Next time, I have to be more careful.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Redneck Hiro's Friend Walter and the Lunchtime Surprise

Walter enjoying the cheeseburger Redneck Hiro brought him.
Walter is my friend. We cut each other. He can't keep the money. Always broke. He ask me few dollars most every days. I don't let him have money because hard to pay me back. One day he ask me to get 2 cheeseburger. I bring back for him. But never pay me. Next day ask me same thing. I bring back. But this time I slip in a 40" snake in the cheeseburger box. One burger was wrapped in paper and other one was in a box. Walter ask me, "Hiro, why one in the box?" I told him, "I don't know. That all they had. Don't you want? I give to somebody else." "No, no. I am hungry. I eat them both." "By the way, you owe me $10.00. Pay me first." "Wait. I pay you" "Before eat, pay me." Walter cursed, "#$@& *%@# you! I pay!" "Ok. You don't want pay me, I take this." "No, I pay you" "Let me see you have money or not." "Hiro, I am hungry. Don't mess with me." Still not pay me. I knew if he find a snake in the box, forget about my $10.00. I let him eat. But me and Red Cap Brown watching from the windows outside break room. He start eating. We were watching with smile. About he finish halfway one burger, he open the box. Snake JUMP OUT toward him. He usually slow mover but he jump. Fall on the floor. Run to the door. This door need to pull to open but he keep pushing. Slipping feet. We die laughing. He run way from snake. He was mad. Knife in hand. While I pick up snake in my hand. He yelled, "You $&@ %%W! I cut you and snake same time!!!" But he was shaking. I told him, "Go ahead." He sat down shaking. "Ok Walter, go ahead. Eat. This is another one." "#^@!! NO! I am not hungry anymore!" "See Walter, you try to stiff me, you get back. Next time you pay me first."

Friday, March 12, 2010

Why Midori Wore A Publix Paper Grocery Bag Home From School

Guest Blog by Redneck Hiro's Daughter #1
 Midori walking home from school in the rain

When I was five years old, my family lived in Ormond Beach, Florida. My sister Sayoko was a year old and my sister Yuri had just been born. My elementary schoolyard was directly behind my backyard so it was a fairly easy walk back and forth to school. Since my mom had her hands full with Sayoko and Yuri, she couldn't come to the school and walk me  home under an umbrella. On rainy days, my dear kindergarten teacher took pity on me and her ingenuity and kind act still makes my dad laugh at the memory. He said that he was home early (probably because it was raining and his workday was cut short) and saw one of the funniest things he'd ever seen. Coming toward the house through our backyard was a soggy, upside down, brown paper grocery bag with two little feet, a pair of eyes looking through a hole cut in the bag and little fingers holding the bag through the hole so it wouldn't get turned around.  I wonder what the neighbors thought...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Redneck Hiro's Pet Possum

What is leaving half chewed fruit on the table and floor?
If you come home late one night and found big teeth mark on apples and bananas, might wonder, what the heck move in the house? We had birds, snake, mouse and snapping turtle live in the house before. But this teeth mark sharp and big bite. We thought wolf rat move in. Every night fruit basket apples missing. Some just big teeth mark. We put way all foods in container. I set rat trap but nothing happen. About three days go by. We put few apples in the basket. In midnight, possum must been hungry. Didn't eat three day. Soon we turn light off. Possum get on top the table. Start eating apples. Turn light on. But don't bother him eating. I open door. Kick him out. He don't want to go out. Like my pet. Come back in my living room. Finally left. I am glad not big rats. But we lived together 4 days.

"Pet" Possum

Monday, March 1, 2010

***Short Story Contest Winner***

The Story of the Adventurous Crab
by Jared Patterson
A long time ago, there was a blue crab named Hiro. His dream was to go on land and see what it would be like there. So Hiro went off swimming through the water. After every mile he had to come up to see where he was. He had swam for twelve miles and still had twelve more miles to go. A few miles away, he saw a pier, where he saw a rock to rest on. While he was on that rock, he heard this yell crying, "Help! help! save me! save me! They're after me! They're after me!" Hiro looked on the pier. He saw a octopus running for his life. The octopus dived in saying, "Hide me please! the circus is after me!" Then, Hiro hid him under the rock. The ringmaster yelled, "WHERE IS MY OCTOPUS???" in a rage. He looked everywhere, but he could not find the octopus. The the ringmaster walked off angrily. The octopus hopped back on land, he turned around saying, "Thank you blue crab for not telling the ringmaster!" "Don't mention it." said Hiro. All of the sudden, Hiro hears a crow. The crow says, "Hello, what are you doing our here?" Hiro replies, "I want to see what it's like on land." Then crow says, "Believe me. You do not want to go out on land!" SPLASH! "Believe the crow." said a voice from the ocean. SPLASH! Hiro looked in the water to see where the voice came from. It was Royal Red Snapper. The Royal Red Snapper came up to Hiro and said, "You do not want to go on land. I was captured by the humans in a big net with a ton of other fish! I almost died! I flipped out of the net and got away! But I saw what they did to the other fish." Hiro asked, "What happened Royal Red Snapper?" "You don't want to know kid." Then, crow says, "It's true. I saw the whole thing myself, while I was flying over the boat! Lots of fish died that day." Hiro said, "Poor fish!" He looked over to the island, and decided, "My dream can wait another day!" Then Hiro hopped back into the ocean. He was grateful, God made him a crab to live in the ocean where he would be safe from humans.

Jared is the Grand Prize Winner of the Short Story Contest for the Grandkids held by Redneck Hiro. He is 12 years old and lives with his family in western Europe.